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110 Funny Quotes That Will Make You Smile!

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110 Funny Quotes In English

  • Dont you know its rude to talk while I`m interrupting?
  • Im not single. Im in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.
  • Money doesn`t bring happiness, but shopping does..
  • That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
  • I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.
  • I am a star, so when you see me, make a wish.
  • The awkward moment when you know you shouldn`t laugh, but you do..
  • You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
  • I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!
  • Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
  • For every girl without a guy, there`s a guy without a girl.
  • Even if you live your life as a open book, people will still wonder which pages have secret messages.
  • I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, “for extra volume and body.”
  • Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters..
  • If swimming is an exerciser explain whales to me.
  • Before talking, Please connect the tongue to the brain…
  • Im jealous of my parents, ill never have a kid as cool as theirs…
  • Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
  • Where there is a will, there are 100 relatives.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
  • Do you know the difference between a lady and a woman? A lady does what she’s told and a woman does what she dam well pleases!
  • Life is too short, smile while you still have teeth..
  • Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall.
  • I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
  • When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half..
  • You can not get lost on a straight road.
  • If Facebook is the Upper West Side and MySpace is the Bronx, then Tagged is a trailer park in New Jersey.
  • One day, I’m gonna make the onions cry..
  • Your eye is the only part you can not wash with soap.
  • Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
  • Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition..
  • Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
  • Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a boys brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left…
  • That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.
  • There are no stupid questions, just stupid people..
  • My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business.
  • When we are bored we get on Facebook, then we get bored on Facebook so we get off then 15 min later back on. its an endless cycle..
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it.
  • I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
  • I bet that in prison everyone’s FB relationship status is set to it’s complicated.
  • The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
  • Thinks if Peter Piper picked peppers and Jack and Jill ran up the hill and Mary took her lamb to school, wasn’t Humpty Dumpty lazy just sitting on a wall?
  • When you’re good, you’re good, when you’re awesome you’re me..
  • If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read..
  • I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT..
  • I’m not 40, I’m eighteen with 22 years experience…
  • I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic..
  • Sometimes the only one who can appreciate you, is you.
  • I’m the person that the more you complain about me, the harder I’ll try to annoy you.
  • I don’t have issues, I have demonds and they are the ones with issues
  • Facebook is a crazy house People poke each other all day have an imaginary pet farm and talk to walls
  • Well, We have a poke button, now we need a punch and pinch and kick button..
  • If life give you lemons, squirt your enemy’s eye..
  • You and your rumors have two things in common, you’re both fake and you both get around.
  • I am not feeling lazy actually, I am just incredibly motivated to do nothing..
  • Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
  • Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
  • That awkward moment when you keep talking & you don`t realize your friend walked away.
  • I am going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, i mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze.
  • I need 6months vacation, twice a year..
  • Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure, it’s called a credit card.
  • Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook talking never updates anything.
  • If you like me press like. If you hate me, go away. If you love me comment.
  • I’m usually charming, nice, and well manured, OK for those who really know me you can laugh now..
  • The best way to look younger, hang out with older people.
  • Growing older is compulsory Growing up, however, remains optional.
  • Some relationships are like tom and Jerry, they irritate each other, they tease each other, but they still can’t live without each other..
  • Behave, What you do today will be on Facebook tomorrow.
  • I don’t get it, all my life I was told NOT to write on walls.
  • Thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you.
  • I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things.
  • Harush says if you want to be together you have TO-GET-HER.
  • Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to write on a wall.
  • A man asks a trainer in the gym: I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use? Trainer replies: Use the ATM
  • Remember, when she cancels a date she has to But when he cancels a date he has TWO.
  • I wish I could google “things to eat in my fridge” so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.
  • Okay mom…you know I love you…but I can’t accept your friend request on Facebook.
  • Okay mom…you know I love you…but I can’t accept your friend request on Facebook.
  • The hardest job facing kids today is to learn good manners without seeing any.
  • If you stop telling lies about me, I’ll stop telling the truth about you.
  • I’ll be a billionaire once I’m done inventing this device that lets you punch people in the face over the Internet.
  • A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
  • Young love is two hearts with only one thing in mind.
  • C.L.A.S.S – Come Late And Start Sleeping
  • Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time..
  • It’s Christmas and 2011 is coming closer to an end! what’s the funniest thing you remember me doing this year??
  • I have a Date tonight, Woot Woot! (of course its with the couch, pillow and TV Remote, but its still a date. Right?)
  • Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
  • If couples who are in love are called LOVE BIRDS, then couples who always argue should be called ANGRY BIRDS
  • My girlfriend asked if I would swim across the ocean for her, and I said It’s freaking 2011, I’ll rent a boat…..
  • Girls fall in love with what they hear. Boys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear make up and boys lie.
  • Lovely days in my life : Childhood Days, School Days & collage Days, Horrible days in my life : ONLY EXAM DAYS 🙂
  • While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
  • Hi, Im Mr Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
  • The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
  • I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.
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