110 Funny Quotes That Will Make You Smile!

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110 Funny Quotes In English

• Dont you know its rude to talk while I`m interrupting?

• Im not single. Im in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.

• Money doesn`t bring happiness, but shopping does..

• That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.

• I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.

• I am a star, so when you see me, make a wish.

• The awkward moment when you know you shouldn`t laugh, but you do..

• You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.

• I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!

• Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.

• For every girl without a guy, there`s a guy without a girl.

• Even if you live your life as a open book, people will still wonder which pages have secret messages.

• I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, “for extra volume and body.”

• Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters..

• If swimming is an exerciser explain whales to me.

• Before talking, Please connect the tongue to the brain…

• Im jealous of my parents, ill never have a kid as cool as theirs…

• Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

• Where there is a will, there are 100 relatives.

• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

• I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

• Do you know the difference between a lady and a woman? A lady does what she’s told and a woman does what she dam well pleases!

• Life is too short, smile while you still have teeth..

• Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall.

• I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

• When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half..

• You can not get lost on a straight road.

• If Facebook is the Upper West Side and MySpace is the Bronx, then Tagged is a trailer park in New Jersey.

• One day, I’m gonna make the onions cry..

• Your eye is the only part you can not wash with soap.

• Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

• Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition..

• Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.

• Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a boys brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left…

• That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.

• There are no stupid questions, just stupid people..

• My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business.

• When we are bored we get on Facebook, then we get bored on Facebook so we get off then 15 min later back on. its an endless cycle..

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

• Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it.

• I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

• I bet that in prison everyone’s FB relationship status is set to it’s complicated.

• The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

• Thinks if Peter Piper picked peppers and Jack and Jill ran up the hill and Mary took her lamb to school, wasn’t Humpty Dumpty lazy just sitting on a wall?

• When you’re good, you’re good, when you’re awesome you’re me..

• If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read..

• I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT..

• I’m not 40, I’m eighteen with 22 years experience…

• I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic..

• Sometimes the only one who can appreciate you, is you.

• I’m the person that the more you complain about me, the harder I’ll try to annoy you.

• I don’t have issues, I have demonds and they are the ones with issues

• Facebook is a crazy house People poke each other all day have an imaginary pet farm and talk to walls

• Well, We have a poke button, now we need a punch and pinch and kick button..

• If life give you lemons, squirt your enemy’s eye..

• You and your rumors have two things in common, you’re both fake and you both get around.

• I am not feeling lazy actually, I am just incredibly motivated to do nothing..

• Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

• Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones, try a different one each day.

• That awkward moment when you keep talking & you don`t realize your friend walked away.

• I am going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, i mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze.

• I need 6months vacation, twice a year..

• Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure, it’s called a credit card.

• Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook talking never updates anything.

• If you like me press like. If you hate me, go away. If you love me comment.

• I’m usually charming, nice, and well manured, OK for those who really know me you can laugh now..

• The best way to look younger, hang out with older people.

• Growing older is compulsory Growing up, however, remains optional.

• Some relationships are like tom and Jerry, they irritate each other, they tease each other, but they still can’t live without each other..

• Behave, What you do today will be on Facebook tomorrow.

• I don’t get it, all my life I was told NOT to write on walls.

• Thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you.

• I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things.

• Harush says if you want to be together you have TO-GET-HER.

• Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to write on a wall.

• A man asks a trainer in the gym: I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use? Trainer replies: Use the ATM

• Remember, when she cancels a date she has to But when he cancels a date he has TWO.

• I wish I could google “things to eat in my fridge” so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

• Okay mom…you know I love you…but I can’t accept your friend request on Facebook.

• Okay mom…you know I love you…but I can’t accept your friend request on Facebook.

• The hardest job facing kids today is to learn good manners without seeing any.

• If you stop telling lies about me, I’ll stop telling the truth about you.

• I’ll be a billionaire once I’m done inventing this device that lets you punch people in the face over the Internet.

• A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”

• Young love is two hearts with only one thing in mind.

• C.L.A.S.S – Come Late And Start Sleeping

• Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time..

• It’s Christmas and 2011 is coming closer to an end! what’s the funniest thing you remember me doing this year??

• I have a Date tonight, Woot Woot! (of course its with the couch, pillow and TV Remote, but its still a date. Right?)

• Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

• If couples who are in love are called LOVE BIRDS, then couples who always argue should be called ANGRY BIRDS

• My girlfriend asked if I would swim across the ocean for her, and I said It’s freaking 2011, I’ll rent a boat…..

• Girls fall in love with what they hear. Boys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear make up and boys lie.

• Lovely days in my life : Childhood Days, School Days & collage Days, Horrible days in my life : ONLY EXAM DAYS 🙂

• While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.

• Hi, Im Mr Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

• I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.